Start your day with an enormous poop, and you can jump through any hoop!

[Catchphrase for 40s radio pitchman, Ranger Regular, maker of Ranger Regular's Rocket Fiber Supplements]

Another day, another Doris.

Taco, burrito, cheese enchilada...If he's eaten all three, he's probably your father.

Give a man a twinkie and he'll snack for a few minutes, teach a man how to build a well-concealed underground shelter stocked with thousands of twinkies and he'll survive the coming zombie attacks. -- [overheard on a bus in Tulsa]

Lemmings to the sea--more lemming chow for me.

There are no stupid questions--only stupid birds.

The nose is a lot plainer on the end of somebody else's face.

Taste the donut, eat the dozen.

Toast with butter--start to stutter; toast with jam--sleep with Pam.

Nothing ventured--(fucking dentures...).

Once fooled, no big deal; thrice fooled, start to squeal.

[from The Wisdom of Pigs, by Farmer Dave]

The sailor will return home faster is the sea is angry, but fastest if it is really really tiny, like the size of that lake over in Mossberg Park, behind the swingset.

Sing like a chimpmunk in public long enough and you're bound to get punched by one.

It is not always certain whether we are the chimps or the bananas.

The rest of your life will feel like a syndication of that one cancelled TV show about the dentist and the talking bear.

Smile, and the Mona Lisa will smile back, but in a kind of creepy way.

For every first oboe player there is a second oboe player with blood in his eyes.
[from the Italian]

Never correct the pronunciation of someone you have a crush on.

Thumbs up for thimbles!

The ice age had ice, the bronze age had bronze, but those of us of a certain age had cheetos and the Fonz.

The quickest way out of a hangover is through the restroom.

Why choose to fly too close to the sun when you can sink too low into a morass of narcotics and porn?
[from the Latin]

The older the horse the shorter the horserace.

The asshole is the wind tunnel to the small intestine.

Pink guns kill just as well as black ones.
[from The Cosmo Guide to Hand to Hand Combat, July 1978 issue of Cosmopolitan]

Wheat chex, rice chex, corn chex, hand chex.

Never eat at a restaurant named after an invented person whose only claim to culinary prowess is his cleverly alliterative name.
[from Ptomaine Alert at Pteradactyl Terri's Teriaki Tent, issued by the Terre Haute Department of Health, May 10, 2002]

Every story that can be told, has been told, on television, by wacky people living in apartments and constantly barging in on each other in their underwear.

If you hear the train you may be on the tracks.

The stranger the hat, the better the attitude.