provurgatory (proverbs, from Purgatory)

2012-01-20T09:02:00.000-07:00

Shake the salt if it's your fault; shake the pepper to blame the leper.
(old Hawaiian saying)

2012-01-05T13:46:00.000-07:00

Cannot the shortest among you see up the skirts of opportunity?
--Milton Snerver (1918 Republican presidential candidate)

2011-12-29T12:14:00.000-07:00

Every time you sneeze, kiss your nurse's knees.
(from the German: "Jedes Mal, wenn Sie niesen, küsse deine Krankenschwester die Knie.")

2011-12-12T14:02:00.002-07:00

Sleep is the body's way of resting with it's eyes closed.
--(from "Obviously!: A Collection of Sayings by Morons who Think They're So Smart", Dumbass Editions, 1997)

2011-12-09T16:22:00.001-07:00

The path to full is paved by food retention.

2011-12-09T16:17:00.002-07:00

The good intention is a good invention.

2011-12-07T15:54:00.000-07:00

The grande is the message.

--Marshall McLuhan wannabe, in Starbucks

2011-12-06T13:54:00.001-07:00

Enough time and ice cream can fix anything.
--from the Bible

2011-12-01T10:20:00.004-07:00

The best things in life that aren't free are usually stolen from that asshole, Ron.
--from the Latin

2011-11-29T10:08:00.001-07:00

The wolf that is biting your leg is not biting my leg, yet.
--from the Romanian ("Lupul, care este musca piciorul tău nu este musca piciorul meu, încă.")

2011-11-17T09:51:00.001-07:00

Sieze the last toaster waffle!
--from the Latin ("Carpe Eggem ultimem")

2011-11-16T14:10:00.002-07:00

Who cleans the catbox earns the loyalty of lions.
--from the French

2011-11-14T10:31:00.001-07:00

A rising tide lifts all boats, but floods many basements too.

2011-11-04T16:04:00.000-06:00

There is no "I" in misstatement.
--Coach Barney (from "More Jock Raps: The Wisdom of Gym Teachers, Volume 2")

2011-11-03T13:16:00.000-06:00

The best way to eat is noisily, with lots of num-num noises.
--St. Augustus the Chubby, MCCIV

2011-10-31T12:12:00.001-06:00

Remember the good things about your friends, try to forget the bad things (unless those things are about money).
--from the Portuguese ("Lembre-se das coisas boas sobre seus amigos, tentar esquecer as coisas ruins (a menos que essas coisas são sobre o dinheiro).")

2011-10-28T09:16:00.002-06:00

The last weasel is the least weasel.

2011-03-07T13:50:00.002-07:00

Humility is a first cousin to humidity.
--from the Portuguese

2011-03-02T14:30:00.001-07:00

Someone else will always said it best, eventually.
--not me

2010-05-24T18:15:00.002-06:00

Turn often from your path in life to sample the local cheeseburgers.

2010-03-12T15:07:00.000-07:00

Curling iron in the tub, Ned won't make it to the pub. -- [from the Old English]

2010-02-21T12:25:00.000-07:00

Cake should not be shared with anyone you are not required, morally or karmic-wise, to share cake with.

2010-02-21T12:22:00.004-07:00

The stranger the hat, the better the attitude.
(from the crazy Dutch, "De vreemdeling de hoed, hoe beter de houding.")

2009-12-10T09:35:00.002-07:00

Ghosts are just dead people who missed the bus.
[from the Swedish, "Spöken är bara döda människor som missade bussen."]

2009-12-08T09:33:00.002-07:00

Need is what Want wishes it was.

2009-12-03T11:14:00.003-07:00

Feed the dogs before the cats and cat pee shows up in your hats.
[from the German, "Füttern Sie die Hunde vor den Katzen und Katzen pinkeln zeigt sich in Ihrem Hüte."]

2009-12-01T09:35:00.004-07:00

Do, or do not--just don't wake Jeff.
[from the Maltese: "Do, jew ma - biss ma tranja Jeff."]

2009-11-30T09:16:00.001-07:00

Very few men know the true meaning of blavery.

2009-11-27T10:18:00.000-07:00

Just and fair, the noble vole--it bites at anything you stick in its hole.
[from the French]

2009-11-25T10:46:00.000-07:00

Jello in your socks at morn will coax away the hardest corn.
[from "Shamans of Sheboygin: A Cheese-State Compendium of Folk Remedies", Ethel's House Press, 1972]

2009-11-23T09:07:00.001-07:00

Time is a river of cheese fondue and we are the croutons.
[from the sayings of the 5th-century Roman poet, Ovoid]

2009-11-20T10:00:00.002-07:00

Start your day with an enormous poop, and you can jump through any hoop!

[Catchphrase for 40s radio pitchman, Ranger Regular, maker of Ranger Regular's Rocket Fiber Supplements]

2009-11-05T10:42:00.001-07:00

Another day, another Doris.

2009-10-28T09:29:00.001-06:00

Taco, burrito, cheese enchilada...If he's eaten all three, he's probably your father.

2009-09-27T15:28:00.003-06:00

Give a man a twinkie and he'll snack for a few minutes, teach a man how to build a well-concealed underground shelter stocked with thousands of twinkies and he'll survive the coming zombie attacks. -- [overheard on a bus in Tulsa]

2009-09-08T09:43:00.001-06:00

Lemmings to the sea--more lemming chow for me.

2009-07-21T09:09:00.001-06:00

There are no stupid questions--only stupid birds.

2009-06-12T10:03:00.000-06:00

The nose is a lot plainer on the end of somebody else's face.

2009-06-03T10:43:00.000-06:00

Taste the donut, eat the dozen.

2009-04-07T16:52:00.000-06:00

Toast with butter--start to stutter; toast with jam--sleep with Pam.

2008-12-31T15:03:00.001-07:00

Nothing ventured--(fucking dentures...).

2008-08-02T08:11:00.001-06:00

Once fooled, no big deal; thrice fooled, start to squeal.

[from The Wisdom of Pigs, by Farmer Dave]

2008-07-31T09:50:00.004-06:00

The sailor will return home faster if the sea is angry, but fastest if it is really really tiny, like the size of that lake over in Mossberg Park, behind the swingset.

2006-12-26T10:03:00.000-07:00

Sing like a chimpmunk in public long enough and you're bound to get punched by one.

2006-12-19T09:11:00.000-07:00

It is not always certain whether we are the chimps or the bananas.

2006-12-18T08:34:00.000-07:00

The rest of your life will feel like a syndication of that one cancelled TV show about the dentist and the talking bear.

2006-12-15T08:40:00.000-07:00

Smile, and the Mona Lisa will smile back, but in a kind of creepy way.

2006-12-13T09:04:00.000-07:00

For every first oboe player there is a second oboe player with blood in his eyes.
[from the Italian]

2006-12-12T10:15:00.000-07:00

Never correct the pronunciation of someone you have a crush on.

2006-12-11T10:24:00.000-07:00

Thumbs up for thimbles!

2006-12-08T08:58:00.000-07:00

The ice age had ice, the bronze age had bronze, but those of us of a certain age had cheetos and the Fonz.

2006-12-07T09:00:00.000-07:00

The quickest way out of a hangover is through the restroom.

2006-12-01T10:18:00.000-07:00

Why choose to fly too close to the sun when you can sink too low into a morass of narcotics and porn?
[from the Latin]

2006-11-30T08:40:00.000-07:00

The older the horse the shorter the horserace.

2006-11-29T10:27:00.000-07:00

The asshole is the wind tunnel to the small intestine.

2006-11-28T08:01:00.000-07:00

Pink guns kill just as well as black ones.
[from The Cosmo Guide to Hand to Hand Combat, July 1978 issue of Cosmopolitan]

2006-11-27T08:16:00.000-07:00

Wheat chex, rice chex, corn chex, hand chex.

2006-11-21T09:29:00.000-07:00

Never eat at a restaurant named after an invented person whose only claim to culinary prowess is his cleverly alliterative name.
[from Ptomaine Alert at Pteradactyl Terri's Teriaki Tent, issued by the Terre Haute Department of Health, May 10, 2002]

2006-11-20T09:35:00.000-07:00

Every story that can be told, has been told, on television, by wacky people living in apartments and constantly barging in on each other in their underwear.

2006-11-17T10:01:00.000-07:00

If you hear the train you may be on the tracks.

2006-11-15T09:15:00.000-07:00

The stranger the hat, the better the attitude.

2006-11-14T09:59:00.000-07:00

Hypothermia is always a good excuse for tardiness.

2006-11-13T10:36:00.000-07:00

It's difficult to run from an angry bartender when your mouth is stuffed with olives.

2006-11-10T09:32:00.000-07:00

Choose the food-court restaurant that has the second most food-court workers eating at it, because the one with the first most is just giving employee discounts.
[from No, I Found This Mall First, by Christy Teeter, William Reinquist High School journalism class project, 2004]

2006-11-09T09:44:00.000-07:00

Choose the food-court restaurant that has the most food-court workers eating at it.
[from I Found This Mall First, by Tiffany Harris, William Reinquist High School journalism class project, 2004]

2006-11-08T10:10:00.000-07:00

Those who repeat history are doomed to have to write another report on the Taft-Hartley Act.

2006-11-07T09:07:00.000-07:00

Those who rewrite history should be forced to leave it.

2006-11-06T08:36:00.000-07:00

The question isn't "When?"; it's "Where did my big shoes go?"

2006-11-03T10:52:00.000-07:00

Some days you eat the bear; other days, you barely eat.

2006-11-02T09:46:00.000-07:00

Fail once, try again; fail twice, blame the test.

2006-11-01T09:16:00.000-07:00

Good fences keep out drunk drivers.
[Robert Frost's neighbor, Larry]

2006-10-31T09:04:00.000-07:00

The fastest way to a man's heart is through his sternum.
[Long-forgotten tagline from the poster for a b-grade slasher film from the eighties.]

2006-10-30T09:10:00.000-07:00

Every other person in the world hears your voice as much whinier than you do.

2006-10-27T10:23:00.000-06:00

You can lead a nerdy, bucktoothed scientist to a light-water reactor, but you can't make him Frink.

2006-10-26T09:49:00.000-06:00

You can leave aluminum in water, but that won't make it zinc.
[from Those Wacky Chemists: Wit and Wisdom of Canadian High School Chemistry Teachers--Volume 2, The Seventies, Periodic Press]

2006-10-25T09:48:00.000-06:00

You can leave the red socks in the water, but your pants will come out pink.

2006-10-24T09:42:00.000-06:00

You can lead a German colonel to Wasser, but you can't make him Clink.

2006-10-23T09:15:00.000-06:00

You can lead a sausage to breakfast, but you can't make it link.
[from Life Is Just a Giant Breakfast Buffet by Mel Bacon, 1959, Pancake House Publisher]

2006-10-18T09:36:00.000-06:00

Quadrilettric is a four-letter word.

2006-10-17T09:38:00.000-06:00

Waffles are worried pancakes.
[from Life Is Just a Giant Breakfast Buffet by Mel Bacon, 1959, Pancake House Publisher]

2006-10-16T10:12:00.000-06:00

If the devil himself walked into a shopping mall there would still be a line at the cinnamon roll place.
[erroneously attributed to Winston Churchill]

2006-10-13T09:27:00.000-06:00

Your fried eggs are indeed staring at you, but they're not going to start anything.

2006-10-12T10:38:00.000-06:00

Prepare yourself for the coming obesity and hemorroids.

2006-10-10T09:23:00.000-06:00

The ladder of success is not as useful as the elevator of nepotism.

2006-10-09T11:36:00.000-06:00

It's not onion dip without the sour cream.

2006-10-06T11:07:00.000-06:00

Paint washes off, but the pain of seeing your sexual prowess demeaned in 10-foot-tall spraypaint letters on the side of an abandoned warehouse visible from the highway can last for years.

2006-10-02T09:01:00.000-06:00

The least important bubble is the first to blow.

2006-09-29T08:45:00.000-06:00

Test not, taunt not.
[from So You Adopted a Doberman: 10 Handy Hints for Retaining Your Limbs, a pamphlet published by the Society for Prevention of Painful Canine-Human Interactions, Tampa Bay, FL]

2006-09-28T08:02:00.000-06:00

Toast your bagels like you raise your children: carefully, and darker on the inside.
[from Life Is Just a Giant Breakfast Buffet by Mel Bacon, 1959, Pancake House Publisher]

2006-09-27T09:46:00.000-06:00

Leverage increases with the quality of the candid "holiday snaps."

2006-09-26T09:07:00.000-06:00

Collecting parrot-shaped clocks is just another form of politics.
(from Amazonish Wisdom by Stan Wilbik)

2006-09-25T08:29:00.000-06:00

The leaky coffee mug knows best who wears the white shirt.

2006-09-22T09:14:00.000-06:00

Avoid the company of friends who talk too much about chopping up the neighbors and eating them.
[attributed to the 20th-century Jewish mystic Jeh Seeko Chin]

2006-09-21T09:50:00.000-06:00

Run through the sprinkler, run past the sprinklee.

2006-09-20T09:56:00.000-06:00

The leaky grease trap still gets the grease, just not as much.
[from Pipewrench Philosophers: Great Plumber's Cracks for the Ages, 2002, Plunger Press]

2006-09-19T09:51:00.000-06:00

Give a dog a chew toy and he'll chew for an hour; teach a dog to manufacture chew toys and you'll drive the Chinese right out of the market.

2006-09-18T08:55:00.001-06:00

Running with bulls can seem somewhat dull, but gambling with weasels can lead to the measles.
[from Fun with Infectious Diseases: A Coloring Book of the Great Plagues (1978, CDC Publications)]

2006-09-15T10:02:00.000-06:00

Running for the bus, at best, results in a bus ride.

2006-09-14T09:06:00.000-06:00

The insomniac knows best the snore patterns of his associates.

2006-09-12T09:56:00.000-06:00

The shortest distance between two moods is a joke misunderstood.
[from Crying on the Inside: The Selected Wisdom of Sad Clowns, Whoopee Cushion Press, 1979]