Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Sing like a chimpmunk in public long enough and you're bound to get punched by one.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

It is not always certain whether we are the chimps or the bananas.

Monday, December 18, 2006

The rest of your life will feel like a syndication of that one cancelled TV show about the dentist and the talking bear.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Smile, and the Mona Lisa will smile back, but in a kind of creepy way.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

For every first oboe player there is a second oboe player with blood in his eyes.
[from the Italian]

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Never correct the pronunciation of someone you have a crush on.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Friday, December 08, 2006

The ice age had ice, the bronze age had bronze, but those of us of a certain age had cheetos and the Fonz.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

The quickest way out of a hangover is through the restroom.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Why choose to fly too close to the sun when you can sink too low into a morass of narcotics and porn?
[from the Latin]

Thursday, November 30, 2006

The older the horse the shorter the horserace.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

The asshole is the wind tunnel to the small intestine.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Pink guns kill just as well as black ones.
[from The Cosmo Guide to Hand to Hand Combat, July 1978 issue of Cosmopolitan]

Monday, November 27, 2006

Wheat chex, rice chex, corn chex, hand chex.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Never eat at a restaurant named after an invented person whose only claim to culinary prowess is his cleverly alliterative name.
[from Ptomaine Alert at Pteradactyl Terri's Teriaki Tent, issued by the Terre Haute Department of Health, May 10, 2002]

Monday, November 20, 2006

Every story that can be told, has been told, on television, by wacky people living in apartments and constantly barging in on each other in their underwear.

Friday, November 17, 2006

If you hear the train you may be on the tracks.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

The stranger the hat, the better the attitude.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Hypothermia is always a good excuse for tardiness.

Monday, November 13, 2006

It's difficult to run from an angry bartender when your mouth is stuffed with olives.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Choose the food-court restaurant that has the second most food-court workers eating at it, because the one with the first most is just giving employee discounts.
[from No, I Found This Mall First, by Christy Teeter, William Reinquist High School journalism class project, 2004]

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Choose the food-court restaurant that has the most food-court workers eating at it.
[from I Found This Mall First, by Tiffany Harris, William Reinquist High School journalism class project, 2004]

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Those who repeat history are doomed to have to write another report on the Taft-Hartley Act.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Those who rewrite history should be forced to leave it.

Monday, November 06, 2006

The question isn't "When?"; it's "Where did my big shoes go?"

Friday, November 03, 2006

Some days you eat the bear; other days, you barely eat.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Fail once, try again; fail twice, blame the test.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Good fences keep out drunk drivers.
[Robert Frost's neighbor, Larry]

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

The fastest way to a man's heart is through his sternum.
[Long-forgotten tagline from the poster for a b-grade slasher film from the eighties.]

Monday, October 30, 2006

Every other person in the world hears your voice as much whinier than you do.

Friday, October 27, 2006

You can lead a nerdy, bucktoothed scientist to a light-water reactor, but you can't make him Frink.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

You can leave aluminum in water, but that won't make it zinc.
[from Those Wacky Chemists: Wit and Wisdom of Canadian High School Chemistry Teachers--Volume 2, The Seventies, Periodic Press]

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

You can leave the red socks in the water, but your pants will come out pink.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

You can lead a German colonel to Wasser, but you can't make him Clink.

Monday, October 23, 2006

You can lead a sausage to breakfast, but you can't make it link.
[from Life Is Just a Giant Breakfast Buffet by Mel Bacon, 1959, Pancake House Publisher]

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Waffles are worried pancakes.
[from Life Is Just a Giant Breakfast Buffet by Mel Bacon, 1959, Pancake House Publisher]

Monday, October 16, 2006

If the devil himself walked into a shopping mall there would still be a line at the cinnamon roll place.
[erroneously attributed to Winston Churchill]

Friday, October 13, 2006

Your fried eggs are indeed staring at you, but they're not going to start anything.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Prepare yourself for the coming obesity and hemorroids.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

The ladder of success is not as useful as the elevator of nepotism.

Monday, October 09, 2006

It's not onion dip without the sour cream.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Paint washes off, but the pain of seeing your sexual prowess demeaned in 10-foot-tall spraypaint letters on the side of an abandoned warehouse visible from the highway can last for years.

Monday, October 02, 2006

The least important bubble is the first to blow.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Test not, taunt not.
[from So You Adopted a Doberman: 10 Handy Hints for Retaining Your Limbs, a pamphlet published by the Society for Prevention of Painful Canine-Human Interactions, Tampa Bay, FL]

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Toast your bagels like you raise your children: carefully, and darker on the inside.
[from Life Is Just a Giant Breakfast Buffet by Mel Bacon, 1959, Pancake House Publisher]

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Leverage increases with the quality of the candid "holiday snaps."

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Collecting parrot-shaped clocks is just another form of politics.
(from Amazonish Wisdom by Stan Wilbik)

Monday, September 25, 2006

The leaky coffee mug knows best who wears the white shirt.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Avoid the company of friends who talk too much about chopping up the neighbors and eating them.
[attributed to the 20th-century Jewish mystic Jeh Seeko Chin]

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Run through the sprinkler, run past the sprinklee.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

The leaky grease trap still gets the grease, just not as much.
[from Pipewrench Philosophers: Great Plumber's Cracks for the Ages, 2002, Plunger Press]

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Give a dog a chew toy and he'll chew for an hour; teach a dog to manufacture chew toys and you'll drive the Chinese right out of the market.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Running with bulls can seem somewhat dull, but gambling with weasels can lead to the measles.
[from Fun with Infectious Diseases: A Coloring Book of the Great Plagues (1978, CDC Publications)]

Friday, September 15, 2006

Running for the bus, at best, results in a bus ride.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

The insomniac knows best the snore patterns of his associates.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

The shortest distance between two moods is a joke misunderstood.
[from Crying on the Inside: The Selected Wisdom of Sad Clowns, Whoopee Cushion Press, 1979]

Monday, September 11, 2006

When life gives you foreigns, make foreign-aid.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Lemmings to the sea, more lemming chow for me.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Never assume the pregnancy of a female coworker.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

An olive without a pit is like a tooth without a chip.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Beer in the morning, get off with a warning; tequila at noon, incarceration 'til June.
[from The Collected Outhouse Wisdom of Pittsburgh Slim (Mental House Publishing, 1998)]

Friday, September 01, 2006

The last straw sometimes leads to the best milkshake.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

The hottest coffee will find the shakiest hand.
[from the Turkish]

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

True love does not ridicule your crippling arachnophobia.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Taco, burrito, cheese enchilada--if he's eaten all three he's probably the father.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Zip up your fly or you'll put out someone's eye.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Take your time, enjoy the ride (all the way to the septic tank).

Monday, August 21, 2006

Venetian blinds are neither sightless nor Northern Italian.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Tie your own shoes before tying the shoes of the person with lace-up shoes but no arms.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Same gut, different shirt.
[from High-Larious Comments of My Co-Workers by A.E. Inman, 2005, BadaBingBadaBoom Press]

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Spending too much time can leave you hours in debt.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

If you leave a trap for something, make sure you remember where it is and whether it can kill you.
[from French Fur Trapper Sayings for Every Occasion! (Artic Circle Press)]

Friday, August 11, 2006

The scariest flying monkey is second one out of your butt.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Eat the poodles before you start in on the larger dogs.
[from the German]

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Monday, August 07, 2006

Measles are for weasels, but mumps are for chumps.
[from Fun with Infectious Diseases: A Coloring Book of the Great Plagues (1978, CDC Publications)]

Friday, August 04, 2006

Helmets should probably be required more often than shirts and shoes.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

To climb the mountain, one must first get out of the jail.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

You can't delegate self-obsession.
--Anonymous Q. Narcissist

Friday, July 28, 2006

A hot cup of coffee on a hot day is a lot cooler than you think.
[Early nineties adverstising slogan, from the Russian]

Thursday, July 27, 2006

True fulfillment comes to those who don't pig out on bread first.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Red sock in the wash, pink shirt is the cost.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Brother fighting brother is civil war; brother dragging brother into small claims court is civil suit.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Friday, July 21, 2006

The man who makes up proverbs has way way too much time on his hands.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Salad, soup, sandwich, snack: two steps forward, two steps back.
[from the Portuguese]

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

"Poetry is better than bad sex, but not as good as great sex."
(Saying popular in French brothels, apocryphally attributed to either Bauldelaire, or Mme. De Maisonlaina of the province of Arles)

Friday, July 14, 2006

Every empty chair is a chance to sit your big ass down.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Run from a smiling crocodile; he is not smiling.
(from "Reptile Reminders" Page-a-Day Calendar, July 13, 2006)

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Helium balloon drifts in the sky; somebody's toddler starting to cry.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Always stay seated until the hostage-negotiator leaves.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Martini with gin, like riding a schwinn; martini with vodka, a cab to Khamkatka.

Friday, July 07, 2006

He is best avoided who claims to have a "party in his pants."
[from the Latin]

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Never leave the house without first feeding the python.
(from "Reptile Reminders" Page-a-Day Calendar, July 5, 2006)

Friday, June 30, 2006

The shorter the nurse, the longer the rectal thermometer.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

The comfortable couch is all that separates us from the heathen.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Like a rabbit will run, so will a vole, which is like a rabbit.

Monday, June 26, 2006

The highest score may win the trophy, but the lowest number gets the next deli sandwich.

Friday, June 23, 2006

The next train is tomorrow--show up sober.
[from the Italian]

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Family vacation can cause constipation, but vacation with friends can lead to the bends.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Monday, June 19, 2006

Beer for breakfast, beer for lunch, then for dinner: Cap'n Crunch.

Friday, June 16, 2006

California: Where That One Actress Lives!
[rejected state tourism slogan]

Thursday, June 15, 2006

If you want a free Xmas tree, wait until the day after Xmas.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Wind in the tunnel--train's in the funnel.
[from The Collected Outhouse Wisdom of Pittsburgh Slim (Mental House Publishing, 1998)]

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Left big toe--last to go.
[from Laughing at Leprosy: A Healer's Guide (Agua Caliente Press, 1991)]

Monday, June 12, 2006

Inside every skunk is a frustrated air freshener.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Thursday, June 08, 2006

People start to resemble their dogs faster if you feed them only dog food.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

If you have to steal, do it when a lot of other people are stealing too, like during a riot.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

The happiest pig is the one with the most shit.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Next to the nose, the knees.
[from Contemporary Contortionist magazine's annual
"Twisted Wisdom" issue (June, 1987)]

Friday, June 02, 2006

For every successful proverb writer there are 500 unsucessful ones waiting to kill him.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Wrestle the polar bear, have sex with the Eskimo woman--not the other way around.
[from French Fur Trapper Sayings for Every Occasion! (Artic Circle Press)]

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The gracious hostess lowers her gun first.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Friday, May 26, 2006

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Given enough time and a place to stand, a man could get some stuff done, man.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Two-for-one; rue the sun.
(trans from the original Tagalog)

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The devil's advocate called: He wants his other hand back.
(from Wise Sayings of Ex-Girlfriends)

Monday, May 22, 2006

Friday, May 19, 2006

Dreadful is the reminder that tomorrow is a school day.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

The lion fended off today will come back in the night, majorly pissed and hungry.
(from Africanish Wisdom by Stan Wilbik)

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

You can't get juiced from just one gin-soaked olive.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Work is less fun than a backpack full of stink beetles.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Feet first, failing finding of fists.
(18th-century martial arts axiom)

Friday, May 12, 2006

We swear our undying alliegiance to Harding Bortz & Co. Industrial Food Service Fittings.
(trans. from the ancient Latin)

Thursday, May 11, 2006

You can lead a snake to Walter, but he can't make it slink.
(from "Reptile Reminders" Page-a-Day Calendar, May 11, 2006)

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

For predator: to find; prey: not get found.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Helium balloon--like chipmunks we will croon.
(from the Turkish)

Monday, May 08, 2006

The human body is nine tenths water, which explains my frequent trips to the men's room.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Onanists of the world unite! (Well, on second thought, stay where you are...)

Thursday, May 04, 2006

All we are is dust in the wind, and on the ground, and in the air filters, and lining the mucosal walls of billions of noses (including that dude's who just sneezed in the library).

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Free parking is never safe from the pigeons.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Face up to your fears after drinking three beers.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Friday, April 28, 2006

You can teach a hen to tapdance, but if it doesn't lay eggs, forget about it.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

On the other side of the fence the doberman sleeps.
(from the Jamaican patios)

Monday, April 24, 2006

Trying to fly before you have wings requires rockets and stupidity.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Lippy Baboon and Myron too!
(obscure 22nd-century political slogan)

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Death will not knock if a doorbell is available.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Even the fastest train cannot catch up to the spreading gossip about your unique sexual proclivities.
(from the French)

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

One-ply or two, it all ends up clogging the crapper.

Monday, April 17, 2006

He who makes up proverbs must be paid handsomely for the effort.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Beware the man who wears sandals with his trenchcoat.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

The sharpest beak finds the juiciest bark beetles.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

One live yak is worth more than ten dead Toyotas.
from The Wit and Wisdom of the Mongal Steppes, 2nd Ed.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

The phone will ring three minutes after the postman leaves.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Spread your lies like breadcrumbs and pigeons will gather.

Friday, March 31, 2006

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Childhood lasts as long as your trust fund holds out.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Fix the poodle, or expect inevitable unpleasantries with your neighbor.
(from the Old Dutch)

Friday, March 24, 2006

Thursday, March 23, 2006

The sousaphone solo is the second-to-last refuge of scoundrels.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Better to choose a life in Spain than a wife in pain.

Monday, March 20, 2006

The flea it will dig lest the dog pays the vig.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Gasoline, kerosene, Vaseline, embarrassing.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Mother knows best what father is incapable of.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

It is not terrible when terrible things happen to terrible people.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Who spits at the eagle is eager for spittle.

Friday, March 10, 2006

It can't always rain gold out of your
[insert orifice here].

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Fishing for giraffes requires either a tall pole or a deep pool.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

To run from trouble is as good a plan as any.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Werner B. Telmach owes you twenty-five kroners.
(from the Old German)

Monday, March 06, 2006

The teapot whistles when the toaster pops.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Stand on any corner long enough and eventually they will widen the road over your shoes.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

We learn the most from the mistakes of the semi-famous.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Monday, February 27, 2006

Poets and psychopaths both could use more fiber in their diets.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Happy is the man who knows he has food on his face.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Impress girls, amaze your friends: wipe that mayonaisse off your cheek.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

What is foreign to me is foreign to you unless you are a foreigner.

Friday, February 17, 2006

No time like the present to toilet-train the mongoose.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

The salad fork is mightier than the dessert fork.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

The cow that gives the most milk sleeps closest to the farmer.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Who fails to sweep the floor misses the leftovers.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

The thicker the cheese, the heavier the pizza.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Hitting on someone in a bar is like cutting off a large truck on the highway: either way you better hope the airbags work.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Wash the wise man's feet, but be careful of his corns.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Wolves, waves, and wives--they travel in packs and have been known to kill.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

If either you or the painter has big teeth, your portrait will as well.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Underpants are never an inappropriate housewarming gift.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Next to the frog, the politician eats the most flies.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Even an ignorant monkey knows the easiest way to open a banana.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

He is a horse who runs with the woman, a donkey who carries her, and a mule who stays in the barn.

Monday, January 23, 2006

There are three kinds of Hell, and two of them smell like urinal cakes.
[from the Finnish]

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Lactose intolerant, schmactose intolerant.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

We ask the same from cars and condoms--make the trip without breaking down.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Chance is the canned ham that falls off the truck; karma the canned ham that falls off the truck and hits the head of that kid who used to steal my ham sandwiches in the fourth grade.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

A cheerful insult is an open gate in the chicken-wire fence of friendship.
(obscure rural Tennesee folk wisdom)

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Those who make up proverbs are doomed to repeat themselves.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Who finishes the pickles must drink the brine.
(from the original Portuguese)

Friday, January 06, 2006

That which is illegal today should have been stockpiled yesterday.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Squirrel in the tree--on your head he will pee.
(very roughly translated from the original Spanish)