Sunday, December 25, 2005

Start every day with the enthusiastic breaking of wind.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Fear is merely a manifestation of the presence of big-toothed monsters who can leap out at us at any moment and bite us on very sensitive and private parts of our bodies.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

When the walks are washed the worms will whine.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Memory is like a pump-action bottle of hand cream: It's often located in the bathroom, but if it hasn't been used in awhile it may squirt out all over your shirtsleeve.

Friday, December 16, 2005

The sunglasses are the sneeze-guards of the soul.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Lions leap, leopards lope, Lester just lays there.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

The ass is always cleaner on the other side of the bench.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Send a real man to beat up a car salesman.

Friday, December 09, 2005

The meek will inherit the earth, but the greedy will have already spent it.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Do not leave the tent while the camels are copulating.
(from the Bedouin)

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Do not spit at that which can fly over you at an outdoor restaurant.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Men with fists at the end of their arms have either arthritis or intent to do harm.

Friday, December 02, 2005

The largest ships sail under the smallest captains.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

With llamas and lava lamps--always careful.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Red in the morning, hangover forming; red still at noon, wish death to come soon.

Monday, November 28, 2005

The best hemorrhoids are the hemorrhoids of your enemy.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Choose your lubricant with as much care you would your proctologist.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Test the turkey, tempt the tiger.
(Yoruba folk saying)

Monday, November 21, 2005

Friday, November 18, 2005

Someone named Tonya (with an "o") knows your sister.
[translated (poorly) from the original Flemish]

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Those who pee in public test the goodwill of their neighbors.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Choosing new upholstery is a step toward recovery.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Revenge for the revenger--Stonehenge for the stonehenger.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Friday, November 11, 2005

Ice melts at the same rate as the gin gets diluted.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Greet the world with a frown, unless you want a bunch of idiots to assume that you're happy to see them.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Who wishes to be born must first pass a testicle.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Lord or lard, we all need a reason to get out of bed.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Tricycle, bicycle, life cycle, icicle, recycle.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Thursday, November 03, 2005

The value of a friendship can be measured in unpaid loans.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

No room for gloom in Altoona!
[rejected state tourism slogan]

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

As the undertaker rejoices, the insurance salesman weeps.

Monday, October 31, 2005

We should fear that which does not fear us, or which does not fear that which we fear.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Old men drive sportscars, so do young women and guys named Earl.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Bald as a cueball, crazy as an eightball, sticky as a gumball.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

In every town there is a Broadway, but rarely is there a Dudeway.

Monday, October 24, 2005

A public restroom is only as good as the use to which it is put.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Cart, carriage, or coffee table--the corpse doesn't care.

Monday, October 17, 2005

To barbers and brain surgeons: always polite.

Friday, October 14, 2005

The carpal tunnel is neither a Transylvanian highway feature nor a sex act with a fish.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Foresight provides enough chairs for the asses.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Never make eye contact with a naked bus driver.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

The first martini is often the best martini.

Monday, October 10, 2005

The chicken's curse is how good it tastes.