The shorter the nurse, the longer the rectal thermometer.

Less talk, more toxicity!

The comfortable couch is all that separates us from the heathen.

Like a rabbit will run, so will a vole, which is like a rabbit.

The highest score may win the trophy, but the lowest number gets the next deli sandwich.

The next train is tomorrow--show up sober.
[from the Italian]

Thank Thor it's Thursday!

Family vacation can cause constipation, but vacation with friends can lead to the bends.

Testtube baby, lab technician's maybe.

Beer for breakfast, beer for lunch, then for dinner: Cap'n Crunch.

California: Where That One Actress Lives!
[rejected state tourism slogan]

If you want a free Xmas tree, wait until the day after Xmas.

Wind in the tunnel--train's in the funnel.
[from The Collected Outhouse Wisdom of Pittsburgh Slim (Mental House Publishing, 1998)]

Left big toe--last to go.
[from Laughing at Leprosy: A Healer's Guide (Agua Caliente Press, 1991)]

Inside every skunk is a frustrated air freshener.

To Victor belongs the spoilage.

People start to resemble their dogs faster if you feed them only dog food.

If you have to steal, do it when a lot of other people are stealing too, like during a riot.

The happiest pig is the one with the most shit.

Next to the nose, the knees.

[from Contemporary Contortionist magazine's annual
"Twisted Wisdom" issue (June, 1987)]

For every successful proverb writer there are 500 unsucessful ones waiting to kill him.

Wrestle the polar bear, have sex with the Eskimo woman--not the other way around.
[from French Fur Trapper Sayings for Every Occasion! (Artic Circle Press)]