The fastest way to a man's heart is through his sternum.
[Long-forgotten tagline from the poster for a b-grade slasher film from the eighties.]

Every other person in the world hears your voice as much whinier than you do.

You can lead a nerdy, bucktoothed scientist to a light-water reactor, but you can't make him Frink.

You can leave aluminum in water, but that won't make it zinc.
[from Those Wacky Chemists: Wit and Wisdom of Canadian High School Chemistry Teachers--Volume 2, The Seventies, Periodic Press]

You can leave the red socks in the water, but your pants will come out pink.

You can lead a German colonel to Wasser, but you can't make him Clink.

You can lead a sausage to breakfast, but you can't make it link.
[from Life Is Just a Giant Breakfast Buffet by Mel Bacon, 1959, Pancake House Publisher]

Quadrilettric is a four-letter word.

Waffles are worried pancakes.
[from Life Is Just a Giant Breakfast Buffet by Mel Bacon, 1959, Pancake House Publisher]

If the devil himself walked into a shopping mall there would still be a line at the cinnamon roll place.
[erroneously attributed to Winston Churchill]

Your fried eggs are indeed staring at you, but they're not going to start anything.

Prepare yourself for the coming obesity and hemorroids.

The ladder of success is not as useful as the elevator of nepotism.

It's not onion dip without the sour cream.

Paint washes off, but the pain of seeing your sexual prowess demeaned in 10-foot-tall spraypaint letters on the side of an abandoned warehouse visible from the highway can last for years.

The least important bubble is the first to blow.