When life gives you foreigns, make foreign-aid.

Lemmings to the sea, more lemming chow for me.

Never assume the pregnancy of a female coworker.

An olive without a pit is like a tooth without a chip.

Beer in the morning, get off with a warning; tequila at noon, incarceration 'til June.
[from The Collected Outhouse Wisdom of Pittsburgh Slim (Mental House Publishing, 1998)]

The last straw sometimes leads to the best milkshake.

The hottest coffee will find the shakiest hand.
[from the Turkish]

True love does not ridicule your crippling arachnophobia.

Taco, burrito, cheese enchilada--if he's eaten all three he's probably the father.

Resentment plus time equals constipation.

Zip up your fly or you'll put out someone's eye.

Take your time, enjoy the ride (all the way to the septic tank).

Venetian blinds are neither sightless nor Northern Italian.

Tie your own shoes before tying the shoes of the person with lace-up shoes but no arms.

Same gut, different shirt.
[from High-Larious Comments of My Co-Workers by A.E. Inman, 2005, BadaBingBadaBoom Press]

Spending too much time can leave you hours in debt.

If you leave a trap for something, make sure you remember where it is and whether it can kill you.
[from French Fur Trapper Sayings for Every Occasion! (Artic Circle Press)]

The scariest flying monkey is second one out of your butt.

Eat the poodles before you start in on the larger dogs.
[from the German]

A running nose beats a lazy eye.

Shut the door before the war.

Measles are for weasels, but mumps are for chumps.
[from Fun with Infectious Diseases: A Coloring Book of the Great Plagues (1978, CDC Publications)]

Helmets should probably be required more often than shirts and shoes.

To climb the mountain, one must first get out of the jail.

You can't delegate self-obsession.
--Anonymous Q. Narcissist