It takes US to spell MUCUS.

Can there be a faster fast breaker than the fast-break breakfaster?
--from a rejected radio script I haven't written yet

The tension it eases as the gas it releases.

The box defines the boxer as the lox defines the loxer.

Let the past go. It's got short stubby arms and it smells like feet.
--from the Yiddish, "Zal der Fargangenheyt geyn. Es hot kurts stubbi Gever aun es smells vi Fis."

The last cheeseburger is never the least appreciated cheeseburger.
--Master Dee Egg ("Zen Wisdom for Snacks", Tubesock Press, 2011)

Today is only a fire drill, but tomorrow might be a REAL DRILL headed right for your skull!

— my HS counselor, Mr. Topiary

Finish the wine before Steve gets in line.
(--from the Dutch "Beëindig de wijn voor Steve krijgt in de rij.")

90% of life is showing up.  The other 10% is showing off. 

The key to happiness also fits the lock on the door to the pizza closet.

--J Diego

False rumors become truer if you tell them to Steve.
--from the Zulu ("Amahebezi angamanga ziba kancane okungamanga uma utshela ukuba Steve.")

Do not pick up quarters from the men's room floor. 
--Pope Clement II

Those who spend their days counting money will spend their nights with the girlfriends of bankers.

Lose the hat, keep the cat, take the bus to Angkor Wat.

Warm your tush before the stove; the burning bush is just for Jove.

Travel by horse and remember the course.  Travel by Greyhound and get fleas from a backpack.

Who chooses to bathe in the soup will be licked by old Jewish men.

Shake the salt if it's your fault; shake the pepper to blame the leper.
(old Hawaiian saying)

Cannot the shortest among you see up the skirts of opportunity?

--Milton Snerver (failed 1918 presidential candidate from the briefly active hybrid "Moose-Whig" Party)

Every time you sneeze, kiss your nurse's knees.
(from the German:  "Jedes Mal, wenn Sie niesen, küsse deine Krankenschwester die Knie.")

Sleep is the body's way of resting with it's eyes closed.
--(from "Obviously!: A Collection of Sayings by Morons who Think They're So Smart", Dumbass Editions, 1997)

The path to full is paved by food retention.

The good intention is a good invention.

The grande is the message.

--Marshall McLuhan wannabe, in Starbucks

Enough time and ice cream can fix anything.
--from the Bible