Start every day with the enthusiastic breaking of wind.

Fear is merely a manifestation of the presence of big-toothed monsters who can leap out at us at any moment and bite us on very sensitive and private parts of our bodies.

Always the sycophant, never the psycho.

When the walks are washed the worms will whine.

Memory is like a pump-action bottle of hand cream: It's often located in the bathroom, but if it hasn't been used in awhile it may squirt out all over your shirtsleeve.

The sunglasses are the sneeze-guards of the soul.

Lions leap, leopards lope, Lester just lays there.

The ass is always cleaner on the other side of the bench.

Send a real man to beat up a car salesman.

The meek will inherit the earth, but the greedy will have already spent it.

Do not leave the tent while the camels are copulating.
(from the Bedouin)

Every donut is a deadly piece of heaven.

Do not spit at that which can fly over you at an outdoor restaurant.

Men with fists at the end of their arms have either arthritis or intent to do harm.

The largest ships sail under the smallest captains.

With llamas and lava lamps--always careful.

Red in the morning, hangover forming; red still at noon, wish death to come soon.

The best hemorrhoids are the hemorrhoids of your enemy.

Choose your lubricant with as much care you would your proctologist.

Test the turkey, tempt the tiger.
(Yoruba folk saying)

The fowl leaves when the leaves fall.

Someone named Tonya (with an "o") knows your sister.
[translated (poorly) from the original Flemish]

Those who pee in public test the goodwill of their neighbors.

Choosing new upholstery is a step toward recovery.

Revenge for the revenger--Stonehenge for the stonehenger.

There are six-sides to every three-way.

Ice melts at the same rate as the gin gets diluted.

Greet the world with a frown, unless you want a bunch of idiots to assume that you're happy to see them.

Who wishes to be born must first pass a testicle.

Lord or lard, we all need a reason to get out of bed.

Tricycle, bicycle, life cycle, icicle, recycle.

Two kidneys, no waiting!

The value of a friendship can be measured in unpaid loans.

No room for gloom in Altoona!
[rejected state tourism slogan]

As the undertaker rejoices, the insurance salesman weeps.

We should fear that which does not fear us, or which does not fear that which we fear.

Old men drive sportscars, so do young women and guys named Earl.

Bald as a cueball, crazy as an eightball, sticky as a gumball.

In every town there is a Broadway, but rarely is there a Dudeway.

A public restroom is only as good as the use to which it is put.

Cart, carriage, or coffee table--the corpse doesn't care.

To barbers and brain surgeons: always polite.

The carpal tunnel is neither a Transylvanian highway feature nor a sex act with a fish.

Foresight provides enough chairs for the asses.

Never make eye contact with a naked bus driver.

The first martini is often the best martini.

The chicken's curse is how good it tastes.