Sunday, January 05, 2020

A bird in the hand is not better than two birds in the bush if you have some kind of phobia of holding birds, like Melvin Funkel does.
--Melvin Funkel's sister, Denise Funkel
It's hard to get someone who is already in the soup to admit that he's an onion.
Test the waters, tame the otters, chase away the squirrels and squatters.
--from the Dutch ("Test het water, tem de otters, jaag de eekhoorns en krakers weg.")
Mustard, good mustard, is best when you slather it all over your naked body.
--Pope Shecky II
There is no WE in MASTURBATE, but there is a U.
It takes US to spell MUCUS.
Can there be a faster fast breaker than the fast-break breakfaster?
--from a rejected radio script I haven't written yet
The tension it eases as the gas it releases.
The box defines the boxer as the lox defines the loxer.
Let the past go. It's got short stubby arms and it smells like feet.
--from the Yiddish, "Zal der Fargangenheyt geyn. Es hot kurts stubbi Gever aun es smells vi Fis."
The last cheeseburger is never the least appreciated cheeseburger.
--Master Dee Egg ("Zen Wisdom for Snacks", Tubesock Press, 2011)

Today is only a fire drill, but tomorrow might be a REAL DRILL headed right for your skull! — my HS counselor, Mr. Topiary