Friday, June 30, 2006

The shorter the nurse, the longer the rectal thermometer.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

The comfortable couch is all that separates us from the heathen.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Like a rabbit will run, so will a vole, which is like a rabbit.

Monday, June 26, 2006

The highest score may win the trophy, but the lowest number gets the next deli sandwich.

Friday, June 23, 2006

The next train is tomorrow--show up sober.
[from the Italian]

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Family vacation can cause constipation, but vacation with friends can lead to the bends.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Monday, June 19, 2006

Beer for breakfast, beer for lunch, then for dinner: Cap'n Crunch.

Friday, June 16, 2006

California: Where That One Actress Lives!
[rejected state tourism slogan]

Thursday, June 15, 2006

If you want a free Xmas tree, wait until the day after Xmas.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Wind in the tunnel--train's in the funnel.
[from The Collected Outhouse Wisdom of Pittsburgh Slim (Mental House Publishing, 1998)]

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Left big toe--last to go.
[from Laughing at Leprosy: A Healer's Guide (Agua Caliente Press, 1991)]

Monday, June 12, 2006

Friday, June 09, 2006

Thursday, June 08, 2006

People start to resemble their dogs faster if you feed them only dog food.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

If you have to steal, do it when a lot of other people are stealing too, like during a riot.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Monday, June 05, 2006

Next to the nose, the knees.
[from Contemporary Contortionist magazine's annual
"Twisted Wisdom" issue (June, 1987)]

Friday, June 02, 2006

For every successful proverb writer there are 500 unsucessful ones waiting to kill him.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Wrestle the polar bear, have sex with the Eskimo woman--not the other way around.
[from French Fur Trapper Sayings for Every Occasion! (Artic Circle Press)]