Test not, taunt not.
[from So You Adopted a Doberman: 10 Handy Hints for Retaining Your Limbs, a pamphlet published by the Society for Prevention of Painful Canine-Human Interactions, Tampa Bay, FL]

Toast your bagels like you raise your children: carefully, and darker on the inside.
[from Life Is Just a Giant Breakfast Buffet by Mel Bacon, 1959, Pancake House Publisher]

Leverage increases with the quality of the candid "holiday snaps."

Collecting parrot-shaped clocks is just another form of politics.
(from Amazonish Wisdom by Stan Wilbik)

The leaky coffee mug knows best who wears the white shirt.

Avoid the company of friends who talk too much about chopping up the neighbors and eating them.
[attributed to the 20th-century Jewish mystic Jeh Seeko Chin]

Run through the sprinkler, run past the sprinklee.

The leaky grease trap still gets the grease, just not as much.
[from Pipewrench Philosophers: Great Plumber's Cracks for the Ages, 2002, Plunger Press]

Give a dog a chew toy and he'll chew for an hour; teach a dog to manufacture chew toys and you'll drive the Chinese right out of the market.

Running with bulls can seem somewhat dull, but gambling with weasels can lead to the measles.
[from Fun with Infectious Diseases: A Coloring Book of the Great Plagues (1978, CDC Publications)]

Running for the bus, at best, results in a bus ride.

The insomniac knows best the snore patterns of his associates.

The shortest distance between two moods is a joke misunderstood.
[from Crying on the Inside: The Selected Wisdom of Sad Clowns, Whoopee Cushion Press, 1979]

When life gives you foreigns, make foreign-aid.

Lemmings to the sea, more lemming chow for me.

Never assume the pregnancy of a female coworker.

An olive without a pit is like a tooth without a chip.

Beer in the morning, get off with a warning; tequila at noon, incarceration 'til June.
[from The Collected Outhouse Wisdom of Pittsburgh Slim (Mental House Publishing, 1998)]

The last straw sometimes leads to the best milkshake.