Lactose intolerant, schmactose intolerant.

We ask the same from cars and condoms--make the trip without breaking down.

Check the chicken, choke the carburetor.

Chance is the canned ham that falls off the truck; karma the canned ham that falls off the truck and hits the head of that kid who used to steal my ham sandwiches in the fourth grade.

A cheerful insult is an open gate in the chicken-wire fence of friendship.
(obscure rural Tennesee folk wisdom)

Those who make up proverbs are doomed to repeat themselves.

Who finishes the pickles must drink the brine.
(from the original Portuguese)

That which is illegal today should have been stockpiled yesterday.

A wise man brings extra olives.

Squirrel in the tree--on your head he will pee.
(very roughly translated from the original Spanish)

Start every day with the enthusiastic breaking of wind.

Fear is merely a manifestation of the presence of big-toothed monsters who can leap out at us at any moment and bite us on very sensitive and private parts of our bodies.

Always the sycophant, never the psycho.

When the walks are washed the worms will whine.

Memory is like a pump-action bottle of hand cream: It's often located in the bathroom, but if it hasn't been used in awhile it may squirt out all over your shirtsleeve.

The sunglasses are the sneeze-guards of the soul.

Lions leap, leopards lope, Lester just lays there.

The ass is always cleaner on the other side of the bench.

Send a real man to beat up a car salesman.

The meek will inherit the earth, but the greedy will have already spent it.

Do not leave the tent while the camels are copulating.
(from the Bedouin)

Every donut is a deadly piece of heaven.

Do not spit at that which can fly over you at an outdoor restaurant.

Men with fists at the end of their arms have either arthritis or intent to do harm.

The largest ships sail under the smallest captains.