Just and fair, the noble vole--it bites at anything you stick in its hole. 
[from the French]

Jello in your socks at morn will coax away the hardest corn.
[from "Shamans of Sheboygin: A Cheese-State Compendium of Folk Remedies",  Ethel's House Press, 1972]

Time is a river of cheese fondue and we are the croutons.
[from the sayings of the 5th-century Roman poet, Ovoid]

Start your day with an enormous poop, and you can jump through any hoop!

[Catchphrase for 40s radio pitchman, Ranger Regular, maker of Ranger Regular's Rocket Fiber Supplements]

Another day, another Doris.

Taco, burrito, cheese enchilada...If he's eaten all three, he's probably your father.

Give a man a twinkie and he'll snack for a few minutes, teach a man how to build a well-concealed underground shelter stocked with thousands of twinkies and he'll survive the coming zombie attacks. -- [overheard on a bus in Tulsa]

Lemmings to the sea--more lemming chow for me.

There are no stupid questions--only stupid birds.

The nose is a lot plainer on the end of somebody else's face.

Taste the donut, eat the dozen.

Toast with butter--start to stutter; toast with jam--sleep with Pam.

Nothing ventured--(fucking dentures...).

Once fooled, no big deal; thrice fooled, start to squeal.

[from The Wisdom of Pigs, by Farmer Dave]

The sailor will return home faster if the sea is angry, but fastest if it is really really tiny, like the size of that lake over in Mossberg Park, behind the swingset.

Sing like a chimpmunk in public long enough and you're bound to get punched by one.

It is not always certain whether we are the chimps or the bananas.

The rest of your life will feel like a syndication of that one cancelled TV show about the dentist and the talking bear.

Smile, and the Mona Lisa will smile back, but in a kind of creepy way.

For every first oboe player there is a second oboe player with blood in his eyes.
[from the Italian]

Never correct the pronunciation of someone you have a crush on.

Thumbs up for thimbles!

The ice age had ice, the bronze age had bronze, but those of us of a certain age had cheetos and the Fonz.

The quickest way out of a hangover is through the restroom.

Why choose to fly too close to the sun when you can sink too low into a morass of narcotics and porn?
[from the Latin]