A clean penis is a popular penis!

Poets and psychopaths both could use more fiber in their diets.

Happy is the man who knows he has food on his face.

Impress girls, amaze your friends: wipe that mayonaisse off your cheek.

What is foreign to me is foreign to you unless you are a foreigner.

No time like the present to toilet-train the mongoose.

The salad fork is mightier than the dessert fork.

The cow that gives the most milk sleeps closest to the farmer.

Who fails to sweep the floor misses the leftovers.

The thicker the cheese, the heavier the pizza.

Hitting on someone in a bar is like cutting off a large truck on the highway: either way you better hope the airbags work.

Wash the wise man's feet, but be careful of his corns.

Wolves, waves, and wives--they travel in packs and have been known to kill.

If either you or the painter has big teeth, your portrait will as well.

Underpants are never an inappropriate housewarming gift.

Next to the frog, the politician eats the most flies.

Cold-water swim--shrinkage on Jim.

Even an ignorant monkey knows the easiest way to open a banana.

He is a horse who runs with the woman, a donkey who carries her, and a mule who stays in the barn.

There are three kinds of Hell, and two of them smell like urinal cakes.
[from the Finnish]

Lactose intolerant, schmactose intolerant.

We ask the same from cars and condoms--make the trip without breaking down.

Check the chicken, choke the carburetor.

Chance is the canned ham that falls off the truck; karma the canned ham that falls off the truck and hits the head of that kid who used to steal my ham sandwiches in the fourth grade.

A cheerful insult is an open gate in the chicken-wire fence of friendship.
(obscure rural Tennesee folk wisdom)