Lose the hat, keep the cat, take the bus to Angkor Wat.

Warm your tush before the stove; the burning bush is just for Jove.

Travel by horse and remember the course.  Travel by Greyhound and get fleas from a backpack.

Who chooses to bathe in the soup will be licked by old Jewish men.

Shake the salt if it's your fault; shake the pepper to blame the leper.
(old Hawaiian saying)

Cannot the shortest among you see up the skirts of opportunity?

--Milton Snerver (failed 1918 presidential candidate from the briefly active hybrid "Moose-Whig" Party)

Every time you sneeze, kiss your nurse's knees.
(from the German:  "Jedes Mal, wenn Sie niesen, küsse deine Krankenschwester die Knie.")

Sleep is the body's way of resting with it's eyes closed.
--(from "Obviously!: A Collection of Sayings by Morons who Think They're So Smart", Dumbass Editions, 1997)

The path to full is paved by food retention.

The good intention is a good invention.

The grande is the message.

--Marshall McLuhan wannabe, in Starbucks

Enough time and ice cream can fix anything.
--from the Bible

The best things in life that aren't free are usually stolen from that asshole, Ron.
--from the Latin

The wolf that is biting your leg is not biting my leg, yet.
--from the Romanian ("Lupul, care este musca piciorul tău nu este musca piciorul meu, încă.")

Sieze the last toaster waffle!
--from the Latin ("Carpe Eggem ultimem")

Who cleans the catbox earns the loyalty of lions.
--from the French

A rising tide lifts all boats, but floods many basements too.

There is no "I" in misstatement.
--Coach Barney (from "More Jock Raps: The Wisdom of Gym Teachers, Volume 2")

The best way to eat is noisily, with lots of num-num noises.
--St. Augustus the Chubby, MCCIV 

Remember the good things about your friends, try to forget the bad things (unless those things are about money).
--from the Portuguese ("Lembre-se das coisas boas sobre seus amigos, tentar esquecer as coisas ruins (a menos que essas coisas são sobre o dinheiro).")

The last weasel is the least weasel.

Humility is a first cousin to humidity.
--from the Portuguese

Someone else will always said it best, eventually.
--not me

Turn often from your path in life to sample the local cheeseburgers.

Curling iron in the tub, Ned won't make it to the pub. -- [from the Old English]