A bird in the hand is not better than two birds in the bush if you have some kind of phobia of holding birds, like Melvin Funkel does.
--Melvin Funkel's sister, Denise Funkel

It's hard to get someone who is already in the soup to admit that he's an onion.

Test the waters, tame the otters, chase away the squirrels and squatters.
--from the Dutch ("Test het water, tem de otters, jaag de eekhoorns en krakers weg.")

Mustard, good mustard, is best when you slather it all over your naked body.
--Pope Shecky II

There is no WE in MASTURBATE, but there is a U.

It takes US to spell MUCUS.

Can there be a faster fast breaker than the fast-break breakfaster?
--from a rejected radio script I haven't written yet

The tension it eases as the gas it releases.

The box defines the boxer as the lox defines the loxer.

Let the past go. It's got short stubby arms and it smells like feet.
--from the Yiddish, "Zal der Fargangenheyt geyn. Es hot kurts stubbi Gever aun es smells vi Fis."

The last cheeseburger is never the least appreciated cheeseburger.
--Master Dee Egg ("Zen Wisdom for Snacks", Tubesock Press, 2011)

Today is only a fire drill, but tomorrow might be a REAL DRILL headed right for your skull! — my HS counselor, Mr. Topiary

Finish the wine before Steve gets in line.
(--from the Dutch "Beëindig de wijn voor Steve krijgt in de rij.")

90% of life is showing up.  The other 10% is showing off. 

The key to happiness also fits the lock on the door to the pizza closet.

--J Diego

False rumors become truer if you tell them to Steve.
--from the Zulu ("Amahebezi angamanga ziba kancane okungamanga uma utshela ukuba Steve.")

Do not pick up quarters from the men's room floor. 
--Pope Clement II

Those who spend their days counting money will spend their nights with the girlfriends of bankers.

Lose the hat, keep the cat, take the bus to Angkor Wat.

Warm your tush before the stove; the burning bush is just for Jove.

Travel by horse and remember the course.  Travel by Greyhound and get fleas from a backpack.

Who chooses to bathe in the soup will be licked by old Jewish men.

Shake the salt if it's your fault; shake the pepper to blame the leper.
(old Hawaiian saying)

Cannot the shortest among you see up the skirts of opportunity?
--Milton Snerver (1918 Republican presidential candidate)

Every time you sneeze, kiss your nurse's knees.
(from the German:  "Jedes Mal, wenn Sie niesen, küsse deine Krankenschwester die Knie.")