Sing like a chimpmunk in public long enough and you're bound to get punched by one.

It is not always certain whether we are the chimps or the bananas.

The rest of your life will feel like a syndication of that one cancelled TV show about the dentist and the talking bear.

Smile, and the Mona Lisa will smile back, but in a kind of creepy way.

For every first oboe player there is a second oboe player with blood in his eyes.
[from the Italian]

Never correct the pronunciation of someone you have a crush on.

Thumbs up for thimbles!

The ice age had ice, the bronze age had bronze, but those of us of a certain age had cheetos and the Fonz.

The quickest way out of a hangover is through the restroom.

Why choose to fly too close to the sun when you can sink too low into a morass of narcotics and porn?
[from the Latin]

The older the horse the shorter the horserace.

The asshole is the wind tunnel to the small intestine.

Pink guns kill just as well as black ones.
[from The Cosmo Guide to Hand to Hand Combat, July 1978 issue of Cosmopolitan]

Wheat chex, rice chex, corn chex, hand chex.

Never eat at a restaurant named after an invented person whose only claim to culinary prowess is his cleverly alliterative name.
[from Ptomaine Alert at Pteradactyl Terri's Teriaki Tent, issued by the Terre Haute Department of Health, May 10, 2002]

Every story that can be told, has been told, on television, by wacky people living in apartments and constantly barging in on each other in their underwear.

If you hear the train you may be on the tracks.

The stranger the hat, the better the attitude.

Hypothermia is always a good excuse for tardiness.

It's difficult to run from an angry bartender when your mouth is stuffed with olives.

Choose the food-court restaurant that has the second most food-court workers eating at it, because the one with the first most is just giving employee discounts.
[from No, I Found This Mall First, by Christy Teeter, William Reinquist High School journalism class project, 2004]

Choose the food-court restaurant that has the most food-court workers eating at it.
[from I Found This Mall First, by Tiffany Harris, William Reinquist High School journalism class project, 2004]

Those who repeat history are doomed to have to write another report on the Taft-Hartley Act.

Those who rewrite history should be forced to leave it.

The question isn't "When?"; it's "Where did my big shoes go?"

Some days you eat the bear; other days, you barely eat.

Fail once, try again; fail twice, blame the test.

Good fences keep out drunk drivers.
[Robert Frost's neighbor, Larry]

The fastest way to a man's heart is through his sternum.
[Long-forgotten tagline from the poster for a b-grade slasher film from the eighties.]

Every other person in the world hears your voice as much whinier than you do.

You can lead a nerdy, bucktoothed scientist to a light-water reactor, but you can't make him Frink.

You can leave aluminum in water, but that won't make it zinc.
[from Those Wacky Chemists: Wit and Wisdom of Canadian High School Chemistry Teachers--Volume 2, The Seventies, Periodic Press]

You can leave the red socks in the water, but your pants will come out pink.

You can lead a German colonel to Wasser, but you can't make him Clink.

You can lead a sausage to breakfast, but you can't make it link.
[from Life Is Just a Giant Breakfast Buffet by Mel Bacon, 1959, Pancake House Publisher]

Quadrilettric is a four-letter word.

Waffles are worried pancakes.
[from Life Is Just a Giant Breakfast Buffet by Mel Bacon, 1959, Pancake House Publisher]

If the devil himself walked into a shopping mall there would still be a line at the cinnamon roll place.
[erroneously attributed to Winston Churchill]

Your fried eggs are indeed staring at you, but they're not going to start anything.

Prepare yourself for the coming obesity and hemorroids.

The ladder of success is not as useful as the elevator of nepotism.

It's not onion dip without the sour cream.

Paint washes off, but the pain of seeing your sexual prowess demeaned in 10-foot-tall spraypaint letters on the side of an abandoned warehouse visible from the highway can last for years.

The least important bubble is the first to blow.

Test not, taunt not.
[from So You Adopted a Doberman: 10 Handy Hints for Retaining Your Limbs, a pamphlet published by the Society for Prevention of Painful Canine-Human Interactions, Tampa Bay, FL]

Toast your bagels like you raise your children: carefully, and darker on the inside.
[from Life Is Just a Giant Breakfast Buffet by Mel Bacon, 1959, Pancake House Publisher]

Leverage increases with the quality of the candid "holiday snaps."

Collecting parrot-shaped clocks is just another form of politics.
(from Amazonish Wisdom by Stan Wilbik)

The leaky coffee mug knows best who wears the white shirt.

Avoid the company of friends who talk too much about chopping up the neighbors and eating them.
[attributed to the 20th-century Jewish mystic Jeh Seeko Chin]

Run through the sprinkler, run past the sprinklee.

The leaky grease trap still gets the grease, just not as much.
[from Pipewrench Philosophers: Great Plumber's Cracks for the Ages, 2002, Plunger Press]

Give a dog a chew toy and he'll chew for an hour; teach a dog to manufacture chew toys and you'll drive the Chinese right out of the market.

Running with bulls can seem somewhat dull, but gambling with weasels can lead to the measles.
[from Fun with Infectious Diseases: A Coloring Book of the Great Plagues (1978, CDC Publications)]

Running for the bus, at best, results in a bus ride.

The insomniac knows best the snore patterns of his associates.

The shortest distance between two moods is a joke misunderstood.
[from Crying on the Inside: The Selected Wisdom of Sad Clowns, Whoopee Cushion Press, 1979]

When life gives you foreigns, make foreign-aid.

Lemmings to the sea, more lemming chow for me.

Never assume the pregnancy of a female coworker.

An olive without a pit is like a tooth without a chip.

Beer in the morning, get off with a warning; tequila at noon, incarceration 'til June.
[from The Collected Outhouse Wisdom of Pittsburgh Slim (Mental House Publishing, 1998)]

The last straw sometimes leads to the best milkshake.

The hottest coffee will find the shakiest hand.
[from the Turkish]

True love does not ridicule your crippling arachnophobia.

Taco, burrito, cheese enchilada--if he's eaten all three he's probably the father.

Resentment plus time equals constipation.

Zip up your fly or you'll put out someone's eye.

Take your time, enjoy the ride (all the way to the septic tank).

Venetian blinds are neither sightless nor Northern Italian.

Tie your own shoes before tying the shoes of the person with lace-up shoes but no arms.

Same gut, different shirt.
[from High-Larious Comments of My Co-Workers by A.E. Inman, 2005, BadaBingBadaBoom Press]

Spending too much time can leave you hours in debt.

If you leave a trap for something, make sure you remember where it is and whether it can kill you.
[from French Fur Trapper Sayings for Every Occasion! (Artic Circle Press)]

The scariest flying monkey is second one out of your butt.

Eat the poodles before you start in on the larger dogs.
[from the German]

A running nose beats a lazy eye.

Shut the door before the war.

Measles are for weasels, but mumps are for chumps.
[from Fun with Infectious Diseases: A Coloring Book of the Great Plagues (1978, CDC Publications)]

Helmets should probably be required more often than shirts and shoes.

To climb the mountain, one must first get out of the jail.

You can't delegate self-obsession.
--Anonymous Q. Narcissist

A hot cup of coffee on a hot day is a lot cooler than you think.
[Early nineties adverstising slogan, from the Russian]

True fulfillment comes to those who don't pig out on bread first.

Red sock in the wash, pink shirt is the cost.

Brother fighting brother is civil war; brother dragging brother into small claims court is civil suit.

Hope is the smell of bacon.

The man who makes up proverbs has way way too much time on his hands.

Salad, soup, sandwich, snack: two steps forward, two steps back.
[from the Portuguese]

Bird flu, swine flu, why not wine flu?

"Poetry is better than bad sex, but not as good as great sex."
(Saying popular in French brothels, apocryphally attributed to either Bauldelaire, or Mme. De Maisonlaina of the province of Arles)

Every empty chair is a chance to sit your big ass down.

Run from a smiling crocodile; he is not smiling.
(from "Reptile Reminders" Page-a-Day Calendar, July 13, 2006)

Helium balloon drifts in the sky; somebody's toddler starting to cry.

Always stay seated until the hostage-negotiator leaves.

Martini with gin, like riding a schwinn; martini with vodka, a cab to Khamkatka.

He is best avoided who claims to have a "party in his pants."
[from the Latin]

Test not, flunk not.

Never leave the house without first feeding the python.
(from "Reptile Reminders" Page-a-Day Calendar, July 5, 2006)

The shorter the nurse, the longer the rectal thermometer.

Less talk, more toxicity!

The comfortable couch is all that separates us from the heathen.

Like a rabbit will run, so will a vole, which is like a rabbit.

The highest score may win the trophy, but the lowest number gets the next deli sandwich.

The next train is tomorrow--show up sober.
[from the Italian]

Thank Thor it's Thursday!

Family vacation can cause constipation, but vacation with friends can lead to the bends.

Testtube baby, lab technician's maybe.

Beer for breakfast, beer for lunch, then for dinner: Cap'n Crunch.

California: Where That One Actress Lives!
[rejected state tourism slogan]

If you want a free Xmas tree, wait until the day after Xmas.

Wind in the tunnel--train's in the funnel.
[from The Collected Outhouse Wisdom of Pittsburgh Slim (Mental House Publishing, 1998)]

Left big toe--last to go.
[from Laughing at Leprosy: A Healer's Guide (Agua Caliente Press, 1991)]

Inside every skunk is a frustrated air freshener.

To Victor belongs the spoilage.

People start to resemble their dogs faster if you feed them only dog food.

If you have to steal, do it when a lot of other people are stealing too, like during a riot.

The happiest pig is the one with the most shit.

Next to the nose, the knees.

[from Contemporary Contortionist magazine's annual
"Twisted Wisdom" issue (June, 1987)]

For every successful proverb writer there are 500 unsucessful ones waiting to kill him.

Wrestle the polar bear, have sex with the Eskimo woman--not the other way around.
[from French Fur Trapper Sayings for Every Occasion! (Artic Circle Press)]

The gracious hostess lowers her gun first.

Box of paperclips--sink some paper ships.

Fucking Abraham fucking Lincoln!

Given enough time and a place to stand, a man could get some stuff done, man.

Two-for-one; rue the sun.
(trans from the original Tagalog)

The devil's advocate called: He wants his other hand back.
(from Wise Sayings of Ex-Girlfriends)

The nose knows not when the ear waxes.

Dreadful is the reminder that tomorrow is a school day.

The lion fended off today will come back in the night, majorly pissed and hungry.
(from Africanish Wisdom by Stan Wilbik)

You can't get juiced from just one gin-soaked olive.

Work is less fun than a backpack full of stink beetles.

Feet first, failing finding of fists.
(18th-century martial arts axiom)

We swear our undying alliegiance to Harding Bortz & Co. Industrial Food Service Fittings.
(trans. from the ancient Latin)

You can lead a snake to Walter, but he can't make it slink.
(from "Reptile Reminders" Page-a-Day Calendar, May 11, 2006)

For predator: to find; prey: not get found.

Helium balloon--like chipmunks we will croon.
(from the Turkish)

The human body is nine tenths water, which explains my frequent trips to the men's room.

Onanists of the world unite! (Well, on second thought, stay where you are...)

All we are is dust in the wind, and on the ground, and in the air filters, and lining the mucosal walls of billions of noses (including that dude's who just sneezed in the library).

Free parking is never safe from the pigeons.

Face up to your fears after drinking three beers.

The current flows with the corpse.

You can teach a hen to tapdance, but if it doesn't lay eggs, forget about it.

Dyspeptic is as dyspeptic does.

On the other side of the fence the doberman sleeps.
(from the Jamaican patios)

Trying to fly before you have wings requires rockets and stupidity.

Lippy Baboon and Myron too!
(obscure 22nd-century political slogan)

Death will not knock if a doorbell is available.

Even the fastest train cannot catch up to the spreading gossip about your unique sexual proclivities.
(from the French)

One-ply or two, it all ends up clogging the crapper.

He who makes up proverbs must be paid handsomely for the effort.

Beware the man who wears sandals with his trenchcoat.

The sharpest beak finds the juiciest bark beetles.

One live yak is worth more than ten dead Toyotas.
from The Wit and Wisdom of the Mongal Steppes, 2nd Ed.

The phone will ring three minutes after the postman leaves.

Spread your lies like breadcrumbs and pigeons will gather.

Safety smells like latex.

Childhood lasts as long as your trust fund holds out.

Nobody is ever really named Cedric.

Fix the poodle, or expect inevitable unpleasantries with your neighbor.
(from the Old Dutch)

Thank Dog It's Yadirf!

The sousaphone solo is the second-to-last refuge of scoundrels.

Better to choose a life in Spain than a wife in pain.

The flea it will dig lest the dog pays the vig.

Gasoline, kerosene, Vaseline, embarrassing.

Mother knows best what father is incapable of.

It is not terrible when terrible things happen to terrible people.

Who spits at the eagle is eager for spittle.

It can't always rain gold out of your
[insert orifice here].

Fishing for giraffes requires either a tall pole or a deep pool.

To run from trouble is as good a plan as any.

Werner B. Telmach owes you twenty-five kroners.
(from the Old German)

The teapot whistles when the toaster pops.

Stand on any corner long enough and eventually they will widen the road over your shoes.

We learn the most from the mistakes of the semi-famous.

A clean penis is a popular penis!

Poets and psychopaths both could use more fiber in their diets.

Happy is the man who knows he has food on his face.

Impress girls, amaze your friends: wipe that mayonaisse off your cheek.

What is foreign to me is foreign to you unless you are a foreigner.

No time like the present to toilet-train the mongoose.

The salad fork is mightier than the dessert fork.

The cow that gives the most milk sleeps closest to the farmer.

Who fails to sweep the floor misses the leftovers.

The thicker the cheese, the heavier the pizza.

Hitting on someone in a bar is like cutting off a large truck on the highway: either way you better hope the airbags work.

Wash the wise man's feet, but be careful of his corns.

Wolves, waves, and wives--they travel in packs and have been known to kill.

If either you or the painter has big teeth, your portrait will as well.

Underpants are never an inappropriate housewarming gift.

Next to the frog, the politician eats the most flies.

Cold-water swim--shrinkage on Jim.

Even an ignorant monkey knows the easiest way to open a banana.

He is a horse who runs with the woman, a donkey who carries her, and a mule who stays in the barn.

There are three kinds of Hell, and two of them smell like urinal cakes.
[from the Finnish]

Lactose intolerant, schmactose intolerant.

We ask the same from cars and condoms--make the trip without breaking down.

Check the chicken, choke the carburetor.

Chance is the canned ham that falls off the truck; karma the canned ham that falls off the truck and hits the head of that kid who used to steal my ham sandwiches in the fourth grade.

A cheerful insult is an open gate in the chicken-wire fence of friendship.
(obscure rural Tennesee folk wisdom)

Those who make up proverbs are doomed to repeat themselves.

Who finishes the pickles must drink the brine.
(from the original Portuguese)

That which is illegal today should have been stockpiled yesterday.

A wise man brings extra olives.

Squirrel in the tree--on your head he will pee.
(very roughly translated from the original Spanish)